It is something I think about every day. Several times a day.
It is tiring, absolutely exhausting, when your sibling is an addict. You feel powerless. You ARE powerless. You can do a million things…love them, support them, preach to them…none of it makes a goddamn difference. It just plain sucks. All I can do is control how I react to him.
So many times I think back to our childhood and think, what drove him to make these choices? And not just try them, but try it all. And not stop. And all I can do to keep myself from going insane is tell myself, despite what he spews at us, it that my family did not cause this, my family cannot control this, and my family cannot cure this. *deep breath* And hope that someday, he will step up and take responsibility for himself.
If I could get through to him and he’d actually listen to what I have to say, I’d want him to know that I do support him, but that doesn’t mean I support or approve of his choices. It doesn’t mean I agree with the choices he makes. I love him. He’s my brother. But he’s killing me. And if that’s my inner turmoil, I cannot imagine how my parents feel. Not that he cares. Because addiction is a selfish disease.
He’s high maintainance. He drains my parents of their finances and their energy and it kills me that he thinks nothing of it….that he feels entitled to it. So I sit here, quietly, trying never to rock the boat and ask more of them than they can give. I try not to be bitter about it, but as my words show, its there.